Alternative Intimate Wedding & Elopement Plans during COVID-19

I started writing this little love letter to the couples of 2020 only hours before Alberta introduced a restriction on gatherings this summer to 15 people. After the announcement was made, I felt the collective sigh and resignation of couples and fellow wedding vendors as so many plans and hopes slipped away. We are once again shifted farther from our expectations, life plans, comfort, and for many couples, it’s the loss of celebrating with their family and friends. I want to start by extending my heartfelt love and sympathy to couples who are navigating a change of plans, and I hope this writeup can act as a different perspective within the wedding industry, and perhaps an idea book for alternative ways to celebrate your love in the short term, honour your family both near and far, and what a party when we are through this may look like (because dagnabit when you can collect all your favourites in the same room and embrace them all with merriment, it will be all the sweeter after this!)

With all my support to the wedding industry, I have felt so disheartened by a lot of the messaging to 2020 couples from professionals in our field. The first is the push to simply replan for 2021, and the urgency to do so because there will be greater demand with double the couples looking to book.  The second is that elopements are the only alternative and they are just spectacular so hurrah! Problem solved. Neither of these resonates with my perspective and nostalgic cautious approach.

The pressure to select a new 2021 wedding date that will lengthen the planning process by a year or more, hurriedly check with their vendors’ availability, perhaps leaving retainers in the process, all in order to snag a date before another couple in the name of scarcity makes my heart race. While we all hope in a years time we will have a handle on the virus, we do not know if any restrictions (albeit most definitely less stringent) will be in place, what travel will be like for out of town guests, and for many their financial standing. Know your options include booking a non-weekend date, simplifying, rebooking later or calling the whole dang thing off (and by that I mean celebrating in a less weddingy way).

Regarding elopements, they truly are a wonderful alternative and something dear to my introverted heart who didn’t dare get married in front of hundreds of people, but know they may not be right for you, and that’s okay. For many people getting married without their parents or couple of close friends just won’t feel like a thing worth celebrating. Or perhaps family will struggle with the idea of having a ceremony the following year when the legal stuff is all done without them this year. Mayhaps you feel that without a dinner party and a shindig, did a wedding really happen at all?

In short, you need to do what is best for yourselves. Please don’t feel pressured into rebooking the same wedding in 2021, or that an elopement is an equivalent alternative. Take time to reflect on what will honour your love and commitment. These are circumstances completely unknown to our generation and perhaps pouring your energy into self-preservation and maintaining your relationship is more important than a wedding.

Alright so, there is my piece on the rumblings of the state of weddings at the moment. Now for actual applicable advice. I’ll be drawing on my own experience of eloping in Tofino in 2015, throwing a 40 person wedding the following year with a ceremony and reception in San Francisco, and on honouring people who cannot attend, such as my father who was already too lost to dementia to even know my partner and I were married. We’ll explore ways to celebrate as an ode to each of you as individuals and as a couple.

Elope and Celebrate Later

This may be a good wedding alternative for those that need to legally get married for personal reasons (hello fellow international couples), want to divvy up the wedding day stress or simplify their reception plans, and those that need to focus on themselves.

This may not be a great fit for couples whose parents won’t ever forgive you, if you have an inclination you’ll regret not having those you love there, or planning anything, even something small, feels too dang much given the circumstances.

I’m going to be forthright, I’m biased as someone who did exactly this. For Sam and me this was the only way to do it. It allowed for us to be as (said lovingly) selfish as we wanted, planning the elopement day in a way that honoured our oddities (hello being late to the ceremony because of tacos), of spending the entirety of the day together, of being completely and utterly honest in our vows, of getting married on a nameless island in the ocean. This meant for our 40-person wedding the following year we could pour all our effort into making sure the experience for our guests was top-notch (mmmk so the reception started an hour late but we rode a schoolbus across the Golden Gate Bridge so give-and-take). We loved being able to dote on our family and friends without worry about where the marriage license was. To have a close friend craft a ceremony that was absolute perfection as our people formed a standing semi-circle around us without the paperwork following. It afforded us two days, one for us, and one for our closest, and the beauty and simplicity in that is something I’ll always be thankful for.

Need some ideas on how to elope? All you need (in Alberta) is yourselves, an officiant and two witnesses. Your witnesses may be parents, friends, photographers (heyyyyy), or videographers if capturing this somewhat radical stand against a virus changing your wedding plans is important to you.

You can elope in your living room (if it’s spacious allowing for proper distancing) with your cats curled up on the couch, you can wander to a park in your neighbourhood, at a church (if the restrictions lift allowing them to host ceremonies that abide by the local restrictions) that is eerily empty which I truly think would be beautiful in its own right, a broken-down building in the prairies. For the mountain-loving folk we have wide-open meadows with paths carved by moose, private spots hidden along the side of Lake Louise, hike into a valley or vista all your own (and get as far far away from people as possible because that’s the theme of this year), or do something completely wonderfully outrageous and chose an unnamed location all your own (and oh do I have a long list of those I’d love to share with couples interested in a photographer).

Go for a walk together in the morning followed by a homemade lunch. Bake your own cake (or, celebratory loaf since we all have sourdough starters now right?)  Order take out for a wedding meal and make it a tradition on your elopement-versary. Shoot a roll of film to capture your own experience of the day. Couldn’t decide between a traditional wedding dress and something more colourful or out there – take this as an opportunity to splurge on something you love for elopement. You can have a video conference party in the evening with friends and family. You can keep it all to yourselves.

For the celebration the next year you may want to have a traditional wedding reception. There you can share photos or video from your elopement (whether they be professional or personal, as much as I want to emphasize how important photography was to us, your priorities may differ and that’s absolutely okay). You can still have a ceremony. You can simplify and make it a pizza party (more under the Call the Whole Dang Thing Off).

Now for some questions, you may have.

Do you tell people before? After? At the celebration? We didn’t want the fuss of people asking about our plans, so we opted to tell people we were going to elope sometime late in 2015 or the following year to shrug off any wedding invitation requests. We did tell Sam’s parents as well as my mother exact details to give them time to process it. This allowed my mother to help me with the decision making of buying my vintage dress off of Etsy, to help with the alterations that had to be made, and to give me a broach from her mother to wear. A few days after we eloped, we announced it on social media, much to our friend and families’ surprise which was honestly delightful. In these circumstances, I’d absolutely tell our parents and guests that we would be legally getting married, but assure them that it doesn’t make the celebration later any less in importance. There is something satisfying about keeping the exact circumstances a surprise though – you could announce it with a post, arrange a dinner date with friends and family on a video conference party and announce it there (of course recording it because aww), send a selfie on the day to your closest friends. Would I recommend eloping then having the wedding the following year and not telling people you were legally married in the meantime? Eh, I have had mixed reactions. From people not caring the legal part wasn’t on that day, to (generally the older generation) great disappointment that the day wasn’t ‘truly a wedding’. So use your best judgement – but also do what is best for you.

Do we still have a ceremony when we celebrate later? For anyone who felt extra nervous about reading vows in front of a crowd, this may be your out. For us, we realized afterwards that attending a ceremony truly was important for our parents, and despite having no regrets for eloping, we were more than pleased to have another one. Between eloping and the wedding we had adopted our dog Hobbit, who was able to walk down the aisle with Sam. My mum was absolutely chuffed when I asked her to walk me down the aisle and I’m so glad to have given her that experience. We welcomed our friends at the lot as they arrived for the ceremony, able to individually thank them for trekking to our wedding. Our friend’s ceremony, was such a gift, which was far more catered to our personalities than the elopement officiant’s speech. We had a little hangout time in the forest afterwards where dear friends prepared handmade shrub mocktails. By having the second ceremony we felt we were able to give the more complete wedding experience, and felt so loved and surrounded by our friends who contributed. So, I’m an advocate for having a ceremony on the day you celebrate in the future.

Ways to include a family member who can’t attend? This may be the biggest impact of coronavirus on weddings and makes my heart ache. Whether you lose a loved one between now and a celebration, whether travel restrictions for the celebration aren’t lifted in time, if their health is too fragile for them to attend a wedding in a years time, their exclusion will be felt. Nothing can make up for it, but here are some ideas to honour those who can’t be there. Livestream your ceremony and celebration to them. Have the elopement and celebration photographed and/or recorded and ask your vendor(s) to prepare a slideshow or prints for them. Chose an elopement day important to them – we eloped on May 5, my grandfather’s birthday. Wear something of theirs – I wore a broach on my jacket with the Ferguson crest as a nod to my mother’s family. Prepare a traditional dinner or cake of your heritage for dinner. Ask your family and friends to send you video messages then sit down together in the evening and watch them.

My father had been diagnosed with dementia several years before we eloped. When we announced our engagement he momentarily seemed to understand, then immediately talked about the almond chunk that was stuck between his teeth. When I told him we were eloping, there was no response. So under very different circumstances I somewhat understand the anguish of not having an important person present. Originally we had planned to hold a faux wedding after we eloped in his home with a couple of his friends present – but by the time we eloped, he did not have enough understanding to make the endeavour worthwhile. But dangit I’d so love it if another couple took that idea and brought joy to their relatives.

Intimate Weddings at 2m Apart

This may be a good alternative for a couple who can’t imagine eloping, for those with both families within driving distance who are in good health, for those who can minimize their guest list with few hurt feelings.

This may not be a good alternative if it means one set of parents can’t attend due to restrictions.

As of the end of May, in Alberta the limitations for wedding gatherings are up to 15 people indoors, and up to 50 people outdoors as long as proper distancing is adhered to. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure what this will look like. But as the weeks go by I’m sure we will receive more direction from the province on what guidelines need to be followed. As those are shared I’ll update this part.  However, I have been brainstorming up intimate weddings in the time of COVID, and I truly think they can be a testament to humanity’s resilience and belief in normalcy after the fact. It means people being properly spaced in pews, of outdoor ceremonies, of intimate picnics celebrations, and the rise of plated dinners. You can see the joy of a wedding where only the parents attended here.

How do we arrange people for a ceremony? I envision intimate weddings of summer 2020 being largely standing ceremonies or picnic-style sitting on blankets. The idea of perfectly placed chairs with a lopsided aisle of 4m wide seems bizarre in my imagination. Perhaps having everyone arrange in a circle around you with proper distancing and an opening large enough for you and your partner to march into your ceremony to applause. Without sound systems, you may need to work on your stage voice. Include your guests by having them stand up and give their blessings or wishes, surprise your parents by giving them a thank you in your ceremony,

How do we celebrate? I keep pitching this idea and no one has taken me up on it yet so throwing it out into the universe. Make it an experience for the few. Have a small ceremony, go on a socially distanced hike, take a picnic (mmm, I’m thinking Le Fournil sandwiches). Inspired by this intimate hiking wedding near Lake Louise. Perhaps dinner can be enjoyed in a space with tables arranged similar to this reception, with long tables, proper spacing and the ability for a small group to converse.  Reach out to restaurants to cater with individually packaged meals – support local as much as possible.

Postponing It All

This may be best for couples who want to shift and keep their original plans but are okay waiting months or a year.

This may not be best for those that need to get paperwork completed, or those that are going through financial uncertainty, or if you just don’t feel mentally up to it all.

Your wedding vendors are largely small businesses who have seen their entire financial security disappear so if you plan to postpone, or pivot to an intimate wedding or elopement if it is feasible to keep as many original vendors as possible we will be oh so so grateful to work with your plans. We understand that things are moving at a fast pace, but before panicking to pick a date with your venue, reach out to your vendors and check their availability. I’d recommend asking to hear back from them by a set time (even the end of the same day) so decisions can be made in a time-efficient manner. This will mean less abandoned retainers, and less need to rebook other vendors.

But right now is a scramble, it could be in a week’s time the prime 2021 dates are taken. It’s stressful and overwhelming, you may be in a state of inertia unable to make a decision. Deep breaths. If all your venue’s Saturdays and Sundays are booked for next summer consider a weekday wedding. I know this is easier said than done. This may mean your guest list may fall as they aren’t able to take time off work, that the party may not be quite as rowdy due to normal life obligations the following day. But it also means you will more likely be able to assemble your original wedding team. Vendors may (not speaking for everyone) be willing to accommodate a smaller wedding’s needs. Our San Francisco wedding was on a Thursday (because turns out when most of your friends work in the wedding business Saturday’s aren’t ideal). We saw our family and friends take a weekend off (or rush back to work the following day), take time to explore the city, and we had more time to hang out with them outside of wedding festivities.

So in short, if you are postponing, reach out to your vendors before you set a date. We want to have the opportunity to support you.

Call the Whole Dang Thing Off

This may be a good alternative for people who can’t imagine planning for another year, for those feeling overwhelmed by events, or who have lost their passion for the whole shebang.

By this, I mean calling the whole dang idea of a wedding off. Of simplifying and downsizing to a level that allows you to focus on yourselves rather than an event. You can elope, you can not. You can plan an alternative celebration or not one at all. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your connection and story are not at all dependent on a wedding. If you were planning a wedding and decide to not, that is still honourable and a valid response to these times.

What would an alternative celebration look like? Perhaps it is renting out a campsite for a weekend with your friends in the coming year or two and alternating who makes the meals each night. Perhaps it is organizing a potluck at a local community centre on a weekday evening, or meeting in a park with enough pizzas to share with select family and friends. Or maybe it means taking that money you had set aside for a wedding and planning that dream trip for when travel is a thing again.

That’s it. This is a brainstorm of alternative intimate weddings and elopements (or not) in response to coronavirus. I’ll be updating this page as more information is provided regarding what the summer looks like.

If you do plan to hold any sort of intimate wedding or elopement in the Canmore or Banff area I would be so honoured to be a part of the day. I would love to help you plan something that resonates with your experience and vision.

Big hugs to all the couples out there who are finding themselves reading this.

For winter wedding alternatives and how to safely celebrate outdoors in lower temperatures, read my article on winter wedding planning tips.